My feelings...feelings. Hmmm. I'm terrified. So, so terrified. Not so much for the operation (although I am, of course), but for after. Maybe that's obvious. Maybe, because I'm expecting people to expect me to be afraid, only, of the actual procedure, they'll know why that isn't the scariest part for me. Hmm...yeah, I'm not too sure what I just wrote (I'm tired and just typing as I think). I just read it back and I, myself, have no clue. It doesn't even really matter. All that matters is how petrified I am. Sure, I'm petrified of the-actual-opp and all the things that could go wrong, because it IS really, rather 'mega' surgery (neck, spine..!), but I guess I haven't really sat down and properly thought about it. Even if, in medical terms, it's considered a success (as in no brain-damage or paralysis...oh shit, now I've started), to me it won't, REALLY, have worked if everything, that I'm praying gets fixed...doesn't.
Not even everything. I just want my hearing back.
But what I'm REALLY scared about is it not working. I can't really remember last time, when I was in traction (it seems I was pretty drugged up on diazepam). But apparently it took a few days before my hearing snapped back into place. *babble, babble* the point I'm trying to make is that I've been told (albeit, only by my mum - we have yet to get an actual informative appointment), that it could take longer for everything to settle down. *loooonng exhale*
Last time I had the halo they were looking to fix my basilar invagination. A symptom of my, very rare bone condition, and something that caused me to suffer from horrifying 'stroke-like' episodes amongst other issues. Well, they fixed it up very nicely (no 'episodes' since), but unfortunately left a serious of, whilst not potentially-life-threatening like before, nasty symptoms behind.
What I'm hoping is that; they fixed what they set out to fix last time, and had no way of foreseeing the awaiting reprucussions, so now that they are focusing on the present problems, they really should be able to fix them. That's what I'm basing my logic on, anyhoo. But, of course, all this opens up the worry; what's gonna go wrong this time? What new, unforeseeable problems will arise from this operation? What, what. What if, what if. It's all one big 'what if?'
Phew. I must go. I can't stay. I'm having bisphosphinate treatment at the moment and I'm SHATTERED (probably why none of the above makes much sense).gfxfykhkkhtraaadfvs..
Bye-bye,
EH
x
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